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Terra Obscura

Kinda dark in here, isn't it?

6/5/04 01:55 pm

Less than 1 month until I have to leave and go back to the states. This is making me rather sad. I mean, sure I miss everyone there, but I like living in France. And I'll have to leave behind the friends that I have here now. It's so tough. This is going to be a tough couple of months..

5/15/04 12:47 pm

Sometimes I wonder if running this as a second journal is a good thing. Is it a bit dishonest? I don't write in in much. To be honest, I often write things in the other that I want those people I know to read. I could write more here but I usually get lazy. I don't know even know if anyone ever reads this. I suppose some area of totally anonymous expression can actually be healthy.

4/21/04 06:55 pm

Ever want to up and disappear from your own life? I do right now. Well most of me does anyway. I just don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend and my friends and my family but I feel so awful that I want to just totally start from scratch. Everything. My life as I know it to be gone. That's not something you can do when, you're with other people who have known you. Not really, not totally. You always end up pulled back a bit to what they see you as, how they are with you. I need some breathing room because I just can't even inhale right now.

4/20/04 11:12 pm

I'm having a lot of trouble seeing that my relationship has a future. I really think it's just that I'm in a depressed state at the moment, but that doesn't always come through clearly when I'm upset. This means I have to be careful not to throw away something good by being stupid. I wonder if anyone else has this problem...

4/1/04 09:30 am

People are so freakin' weird.

Anyhoo... I need to lay off this jealousy thing.

So I've had that same weird dream about that guy for the second time in two weeks. It's so weird.

3/31/04 03:43 pm - Whine, whine, whine...

Sometimes I know I am quite the evil bitch. I think I've spent more time talking to my ex lately than my actually boyfriend, though not through any fault of my own. One of them is just available to talk more than the other. Or so "Rational Me" says. "Honest Me" says "you know you shouldn't talk to him so much, somewhere inside there is still a tiny it of love left and that not fair to anyone..."

It's nearly three freakin' years later! Why won't it just fade away?

3/26/04 09:31 am - So pathetic...

I don't know what is wrong with me. I hear about ex flirting with girls and I think I get a little jealous. Well I have this reaction that comes up and I can't put my finger on it so the only thing that I can guess at is la jalousie. Very weird since I think at this point we've been apart longer than we were together. And I'm dating l'homme de ma vie right now. Perhaps it is because several people I know are now in great relationships with people that they dated seriously, had bad breakups with and a year or so later got back together and it's working. I guess for them they changed in the right kind of ways to get back together. I know we haven't and I wouldn't want that even in we had. De toute façon, j'adore mon copain. C'est ça, l'essentiel.

3/25/04 11:42 pm

Hurrah for emotional rollercoasters.

I've been sad, stressed, happy, angry and scared quite often in the last several days. I've basically excepted that the world someday soon is just going to explode in a giant fireball. So oh well. I've lost important tax documents, then found them again, then realized that I don't know what to do with then. I've had more not so good conversations with my boyfriend and considered taking a break, and then changed my mind. I had a very weird dream about Aaron a few nights ago, odder because he's not someone that I think about when I'm awake, not a close friend or anything. And I've been sick for several weeks, worried about exactly how sick I might be. Mutating moles and daily nosebleeds can't be good things.

1/14/04 08:34 pm

oh another random thing... what is with the lj random search???

According to the home page there are 1,871,838 journals at this moment in time. So why is it that in the last week when I've done random searches (it's something to do while waiting for things to download, or I'm waiting for water to boil, or something) I have:

-seen 5 different journals 2 times each?
-had 2 of those journals repeat within 10 minutes of the first sighting?
-once landed on my own journal?

1/14/04 08:01 pm - those clichéd resolutions:

I know it's already the 14th of January but I thought now would be a good time to list somethings I would like to work on this year. This way, I know what I still need to work on. I mean really, for the last 14 days I've had enough trouble just remembering to mark "2004" when I date things. I'll try to keep them realistic.

1) I will procrastinate less. (I don't stay "stop" because, well, I'm trying to be realistic.)

2) I will try to do one new thing each week while I'm living in France to truly appreciate it.

3) I will not put off thinking about the future (see #1) by pretending that it's not coming.

4) I will be a better student. This means doing work on time or ahead of scheudule, and not fighting to play catch up at the last minute, thereby making myself and those around me miserable.

5) I will not slip back into weird phases with my ex-boyfriend (at least the part that I can control.) It's over there and it is better if we really recognize that. This includes the fact that I will try to stop feeling jealous when I hear about him hooking up with mutal female friends or acquaintances.

6) I will keep in touch with old friends better. I will reply to email instead of waiting (see #s 1 & 6)

7) I will try not to waste time in front of the computer when I actually have nothing to do. I will work on either my painting, my reading, my Spanish or my German instead.

8) I'll get more exercise. I don't do enough physical activity, and not just for weight but for other reasons I should do more. Especially tennis.

9) I will not let my apartment get as messy.

10) I will read more.
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